How to Successfully Chat Up Women

The Do's and Don'ts of chatting up a woman, brought to you courtesy of Funtimz, Britain's fastest growing one-stop online adult shop:

You've seen this fabulous girl and you want to chat her up. But the following chat-up lines just won't impress her, so don't even go there!

1. There must be something wrong with my eyes because I can't take them off you.

2. If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

3. Does God know you've escaped from heaven?

3. Bond. James Bond.

4. Do you have a map because I'm lost in your eyes.

5. I'm here now, darlin'. What were your other two wishes?

6. Haven't I seen you on the cover of Playboy?

7. I feel like Richard Gere because I'm standing next to the Pretty Woman.

8. Is it hot in here or is it just you?

9. Wow! Are those real?

10. You look so good, I could drink your bath water!

11. Do you have any overdue library books? Cos you've got the word 'fine' written all over you.

12. Can I borrow your mobile? I want to call my mum and tell her I just met the person I'm going to marry.

13. Baby, you must be a broom, because you just swept me off my feet.

14. Hi, I'm writing a thesis on the finer things in life. Can I interview you?

15. If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I'd be walking through my garden forever.

16. Your place or mine?

17. You're hot. You must be the reason for global warming. (Actually, we quite like that one!)

18. I'd marry your dog just to get in the family.

19. Would you touch me so I can tell my friends that I've been touched by an angel?

20. Hello - Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.

21. Excuse me, do you have your phone number? I seem to have lost mine.

22. That's a nice outfit. It would look great crumpled up on my floor.

23. If you were a pair of pants, I'd wear you out!

24. You must be a thief, because you stole my heart from across the room.

If you really want to get it right, try these top tips....

Make her laugh:
It's a great icebreaker and if something you say is genuinely funny, you're in with a good chance. If you use telling a joke as a chat-up technique and you get a laugh, go on to introduce yourself. If you don't, get out — fast!

Ask her advice:
Ask her advice on an important matter — what you should get your sister for her birthday, for example (of course, the answer is something from Funtimz!). This shows that you value her input and that you think she has good taste.

Act innocent:
If you want to introduce yourself without appearing overly suggestive, use a little charm and play down your intentions (which, if not entirely honourable, might lead you to use one of our exciting lubes or lotions like our Penis Development Cream which stimulates blood flow to the penis helping to prevent sexual fatigue!)

Ask for an introduction:
If you're feeling extra confident, go for the direct approach and simply ask: "Would you like to have dinner with me?".

Be charming:
Some one-liners can be effective and irresistible - if done right, even the corny ones like: "If Brad Pitt doesn't show, I'll be right over here."

Be brave:
Subtlety has its place, but sometimes it's best to just go for it. After sizing up the situation and how much time you have to work with, you may just want to come right out and say what's on your mind.

Be sly:
Walk by and accidentally-on-purpose drop something near her (like some loose change). Use the time that you're retrieving said item to break the ice...

Back to basics:
Here's a novel idea. How about this for an opener: "Hi, my name is...Nice to meet you."

You'll find more top tips on a range of subjects at Britain's Sexiest Online Adult Products Retailer.

Affairs
According to the experts and the media, people on the whole are becoming more sexually promiscuous. This could be due, in part, to increasing pressures put on people by their spouses or partners to be the perfect lover and have the perfect relationship, or, it could simply be that attitudes are changing regarding sexual norms, or simply because people in general, not only girls, just wanna have fun, and get bored with the same sexual routine.

Because, let's face it, sex can be fun and very enjoyable, especially in a world of responsibilities and pressures. Whatever the reason, affairs are on the increase! And the ladies are catching up in the adultery stakes as more women cheat on their full-time partners. Now, we would always recommend that, if your sex life ain't what it should be, you should try to talk it through with your partner and try to explore ways to make your sex life more fulfilling and exciting. Act out some fantasies, for example. Funtimz supply a range of great costumes that will help make your marital shenanigans much more fun! How about our sexy devil outfit? Or, our sexy sergeant, or even our college girl? You could always get in the habit with our fabulous nun's costume!

If your partner is cheating, here are some of the tell-tale signs:

1. Lipstick on his collar. Oooops!

2. Numbers, messages and calls on his or her mobile phone. It might be an idea, if you are going to cheat, to tell your bit on the side you don't use mobiles because you are worried the radioactivity could fry your brain! That way, your mobile's in the clear!

3. You smell of someone else's perfume/aftershave. How about getting a job on the perfume counter at Boots?!

4. Love letters or gifts from your bit of fluff. Chuck 'em, the gifts and all. That way you won't get caught.

5. Knickers are found in your glovebox. Ah, erm... they're for wiping the condensation off the windscreen. They've been there for ages, I thought they were yours? (Not overly convincing).

6. Love bites and scratches from bloodthirsty sex. Buy a cat and instantly make it hate you!

7. Getting home late. The simplest solution here is to change all the clocks and watches in the house, hey presto, you're right on time!

8. Getting over-confident. Having your ego stroked along with your genitals does do wonders for your confidence, but, at home, you'll need to be the boring, timid wreck you always are to prevent questions arising.

9. The smell of someone else's juice on your body. It isn't always possible to get washed before returning home and there will be a time you get caught smelling of sex. No problem! Say you stopped in a layby or carpark for a moment on the way home because you felt tired and didn't want to crash the car. Whilst parked up, it wasn't long before several people jumped in the car and started shagging - ask how you were to know it was an avid dogging site!

10. Going off having sex with your full-time partner. Buy them lashings of great sex toys from Funtimz. That way, they will be having so much fun without you that they won't notice that you're not screwing them any more! If the topic does arise, however, turn the whole thing round on them and say - since you've had all these sex toys, you haven't come anywhere near me, you keep your toys! I'm going to sleep in the spare room!

11. Taking more pride in your appearance: You could start watching cheap television shows on Channel 5 about how to dress to look good, lie and say you find the show inspiring.

12. Bringing new kinky ideas and positions to the bedroom (oops, or kitchen!) This is a dead give away - where are you going to say you perfected these smooth moves? No, it's better to keep with the same old boring sex routine you always had - you know the one that drove you to an affair in the first place!

If all these ideas fail and you get caught or if you just can't be bothered going through all that hassle for a jump, we suggest you talk to your partner and work through all the problems in your relationship and maybe seek outside guidance by way of counselling or getting yourself on the Tricia show! Life is too short to not be happy, to be hurting other people and to be living a lie; sort it out or get out.

We would like to make it clear that we do not condone adultery, but we do sell great sex toys, lingerie and glamourwear!

What Women Want...
All too often men are accused of thinking that they are God's gift to women. So, what is it that women look for in a man?

You could be forgiven for thinking that the answer to this age-old question is a difficult one. After all, men are often told to be sensitive and caring, but then see women drooling over the "couldn't- care-less", bad boy antics of Liam Gallagher!

However, whilst some women are attracted to 'bad boys' with cocksure attitudes, most women can't resist certain things in a man. We've compiled a list of the things that are most likely to succeed in wooing the opposite sex and the things which are a definite no-no.

Here goes....

Smile:
On the sexiness scale, nothing beats a smile. The same is true for men as well as women. The right smile can set a woman's heart beating with anticipation even before you've introduced yourself. And for a man, a woman's smile can make him go weak at the knees. The sexiest by far has to be the slow, sly half-smile that creeps across a handsome face, the kind of smile that insinuates something more, a very erotic form of flirting.

Charm:
Whatever women claim amongst themselves, every woman deep down wants their own personal Prince Charming - someone who'll open doors for them, hang upon their every word and treat them like Cinderella. But guys, don't get carried away. Real charm comes in the form of intelligent depth and sophistication. Women don't want a suave tosser who promises the world and delivers an amoeba!

The eyes:
There's something sexy about a wild, mysterious twinkle in a man's eye that's a prelude to a secret, naughty side. Sexy eyes, regardless of colour, shade and shape, have the ability to do strange things to women and bring out a recklessness that some women weren't even aware they had in them. A definite winner! So be sure to make eye contact.

Dress sense:
First impressions always count and no one notices what a man is wearing quite like a woman. You can have the body of David Beckham but if it's hidden away under a pair of ill-fitting jeans and a shocking, mustard-coloured, nylon shirt, you won't be getting
anywhere near a woman's bedroom! And these days, you don't have to spend a fortune in Bond Street to look good either.

Natural scent:
Catching a hint of a man's natural scent sets off enough animal instincts in any woman to transform them into a passionate beast in (or out) of bed. Of course, if a man's natural scent bears a resemblance to the local lavs, then the ever-growing market of men's fragrances might come in handy!

The build:
As cute as the Michelin man may be, he's not exactly the epitome of sexiness. Neither though is the guy off the Mr Muscle advert. But you don't have to move into a gym, so as long as women can feel the rippling of a six or four-pack or, if times are hard, even a two-pack - underneath a man's T-shirt, they're happy.

Facial hair:
Forget two day's worth of shady stubble or adolescent bum fluff, well-groomed facial hair reeks of a mature, sexy attitude. You only have to look at sex-gods Denzil Washington and Michael Greco for proof that well-groomed facial hair highlights a certain pride in a guy's appearance. Be warned though, too much care and women might wonder if they're looking at a man so vain he'll spend longer getting ready than her!

Childlike, wild streak:
Women want a man who'll dance in the rain with them, the kind of man who'll initiate a pillow-fight in bed or challenge them to game of Twister, naked, of course! A childlike, wild side is sexy because it showcases your careless, reckless side. After all, what's wrong with casting aside the boring realities of adult responsibility every now and again and turning the clock back to those uncontrollable teenage years?

Power:
Ever wondered what made Monica Lewinsky want to tackle Bill Clinton's tackle in the White House? The answer's power. There's something unbelievably sexy about a man who takes charge with a natural force and controls a situation. Now, we men can't all be President of the United States, but you don't have to be. A man can exude a sense of power by being in control or taking charge of situations, being confident. Another aspect of this gives a clue to why quite a few women like men in uniform, whether it's the Royal Navy or a fireman. Men loves girls in uniforms too, especially Funtimz ones like our firegirl costume, our sexy sergeant, our naughty nun,our combat girl or the favourite with most guys, our naughty nurse!

Women often fantasise about men in uniform, the power and control this symbolises. And although this is a negative trait, arrogance can also be appealing to some women. The type of man that can't even be bothered to glance in their direction, a man who believes he's just too good for any woman, it's this quality that makes them such a challenge to some women. We recommend however, that you stick to the charm approach. A much better bet all round.

So, to recap, here are our top tips for attracting the opposite sex:-

1. Smile naturally

2. Look into their eyes, but don't stare

3. Be your true self

4. Beauty is within, so find it in yourself and in others

5. Be content with yourself, don't be desperate.

And once you have found the love of your life, remember these tips to keep the relationship on track:-

1. Pay at least one thoughtful compliment every day.

2. Be tactile and show emotion - kissing and cuddling in public or being a comforting shoulder to cry on when things aren't going well buys a massive amount of brownie points.

3. Romancing your other half by wining and dining them at swanky restaurants or buying nice things as a surprise goes down a storm, especially when they are sexy lingerie items from Funtimz.

4. Great sex! At Funtimz, we have a range of products to help enhance your, and your partner's, pleasure.

And just so you know, here are some lies that won't get you into bed:

Some men will say anything to get a woman into bed, including flattery, emotional blackmail and barefaced lies. Girls, here are the all-time classic top ten lines and what they really mean:

1. Of course I love you, look into my eyes, would I lie to you?
Anybody who says, 'Would I lie to you?' is lying. Simple as that.

2. I have to have sex, my balls are really hurting.
You'll be fine after a wank, honest.

3. I'm heartbroken, can I cry on your shoulder?
Angling for a sympathy shag?

4. My last partner wanted sex five times every day.
But they still dumped you...Wonder why?

5. You'd do it if you cared about me...
Save the emotional blackmail, pur-lease!

6. It will get rid of my acne
No it won't. Ewwwooooo!

7. Let's just get into bed together, I'm too drunk to do anything...
Everybody sobers up eventually...

8. If you don't want to have sex, you're frigid.
Insults, the last resort.

9. I was impotent - but you have cured me!
Just my luck...

10. I can show you a really good time, orgasm guaranteed...
His orgasm, not hers, in case you hadn't guessed!

Of course, if you're with someone already, then add the fun to your frolics and check out Funtimz!

If you're not with someone, well, for guys we've got some great products to keep you going such as the Helena's Pussy toy.

If your are a girl and alone, or simply can't be bothered with a fella, how about getting fruity with our Jessica Rabbit Platinum? It won't call you darlin' or sweetheart or tell you 'get your coat on luv, you've pulled,' but it will give you a night to remember!

How and where to pull...

First, talk to as many men/women as possible until one gives in, which is torture if you have any sense of shame. Alternatively, pick one babe, muster up all your wit and charm and cash and go get them a drink.

Second, check to see if they are breathing. Preferable, surely. Are they as drunk as you are? Fine, so long as you're both still sober enough to know what you're doing. Are they currently kissing someone else? If so, it's probably wise to steer clear, at least for now. Start with sexy glances and smiles across the room, hopefully they will be returned.

When you're ready to make your move, wander over trying to look as cool as possible without falling flat on your face! Stay and chat or run away, depending upon whether you pull or not; or if they have wonky eyes and weren't actually staring at you all night.

Finally, don't tell them you want to marry them and have lots of children together - this will scare them off and if it doesn't, then it should scare you!

And don't throw up on their shoes either!

In order to pull successfully, you need to ditch that traditional British reserve, or the eight pints of Dutch courage, and pluck up some of your own.

Pulling with confidence is a skill that few people actually master. It's more likely that we only try to chat up people we fancy when we're pissed, or those we already know, such as our workmates.

Most of the time, we avoid making the first move because a nasty little negative thought pops into our mind at exactly the wrong moment. Here are some of the most common:

They will never fancy me...

Attractiveness is very much in the eye of the beholder. If you never approach that person you fancy, how are they going to get the chance to decide? So long as you are clean and wearing stuff that you're comfortable with, what's the problem? There's a lot more going on here than physical appearances, and a good personality shines through. So what if you're brunette and they only like blondes? It just means that person is shallow, not that you're unattractive.

They might say no, or have a boyfriend/girlfriend already! True, you might not be their ideal partner, and they have a right to say no. But they could also say yes, and surely that's worth taking the risk?

Rejection is part of the dating scene, and it isn't the end of the world - you just move on and meet someone else. As for them already having a partner, there's no way you can tell in advance, so ask anyway.

I might make a fool of myself!

You'll have more luck if you're pleasant and friendly, rather than flash or cheesy. Even if you end up feeling embarrassed, chances are that nobody else will even notice. If they say 'no thanks' nicely, then deal with it graciously and don't start insulting them, it'll only make you look immature and insecure. If the other person deliberately tries to embarrass you, they've actually done you a favour by letting you know that they have an attitude problem.

The body language of lurve

When it comes to body language every one of us speaks with a slightly different accent. Here are the basics, but when it comes to reading people for real be sure to look between the lines.

Reading him

Like your typical animal, a man on the make tends to preen himself - anything from checking his hair to his shirt cuffs. If sex is on his subconscious, so to speak, then his hands won't be far from his genitals - i.e. on his hips or in his pockets. The crotch display is a bit of a male giveaway, especially when he's seated, so if you find yourself faced with legs parted like the Red Sea, you can be pretty sure he's mentally undressed you already.

Reading her

Women are subtler than men. If she's interested, then you may see similar preening gestures, but also check out the way she's looking at you. Holding your gaze, looking away and then glancing back is a signal you can't afford to ignore. Also watch for the way she handles her wrists. Why? Because it's a part of the female body that's considered to be erotically charged. It's a pulse point, after all, not to mention a prime target for perfume.

Crossing and uncrossing the legs may also be a promising sign too, but it could just mean she's busting to get up and away - so don't take the signs too literally!

Be a friend

If you doubt your confidence or your social skills, don't force yourself to go out on the pull. It isn't everyone's style, and if you are feeling down about yourself, it could knock you back. Concentrate on being a bit more sociable, and making the effort to be friendlier.

Most of us are shy, so it's a big relief when someone else makes an effort and breaks the ice first. Getting talking to people in a non-sexy way is a perfect method for making new friends, and the more friends you have, the more likely you are to find yourself chatting to someone you fancy.

Where to pull

Want to meet someone but bored of the same old places? Check out these pulling destinations. Before you step out looking for love, remind yourself that you could meet your soulmate anywhere, any place and any time. No maps exist for you to pinpoint their location, but you can narrow the odds by identifying places where like-minded people tend to hang out. If you're stuck for ideas, here's where to start:

Your local pub

Good for: Meeting people who live in your neighbourhood, and wonderful if you're a slow mover who likes to spend time getting to know someone before you move in.
Bad for: Anyone with a thing for teetotallers.

Club night

Good for: Getting to know someone intimately without uttering a word. Just shut up and dance!
Bad for: A nice quiet, cosy chat.

Swimming pool/gym

Good for: Showing off your toned body, and getting in shape while you size up the talent.
Bad for: Hiding excess flesh; dick shrinkage!

Chat Rooms

Good for: Meeting like-minded people, no matter what floats your boat, with no need to dress up before you make that connection unless you're on a fetish site and have a webcam! Then you really do need to check out Funtimz fetish for the appropriate fun wear by clicking this link.
Bad for: Being one hundred percent certain the person you're chatting to is fully clothed and not in the middle of their maximum security prison rehabilitation computer course!

On holiday

Good for: Forgetting your past and reinventing yourself in any way you please. So what if everyone back home has seen that picture of you at a party wearing nothing but a traffic cone? Out here, you can
be the world's greatest lover and nobody will be any wiser.
Bad for: Holding out every hope that this romance will travel home with you.

Making It A Memorable First Date:

Here are some top tips for a memorable first date:-

Most singles agree that finding the right person to ask out, and then actually asking that person out, is the hardest part of dating. It's the anticipation of meeting new people and hoping that there's a connection.
Now that you've swallowed your fears, got that phone number and asked your potential match out... what do you do? How can you make a good first impression so that you have the chance to make a second one? We've come up some with the following tips to make that first date an unforgettable event for both of you.

Be inventive:
Do something that allows you to talk, but not be focussed completely on each other (thus avoiding the uncomfortable silence that inevitably comes up every seven minutes or so). For example, go to an exhibition or even a fun fair!

Clean up your act:
Personal hygiene is essential to attraction. Do not, under any circumstances, step out of the house without freshening up. In addition, don't overdo it with your choice of scent; there's nothing more off-putting than an overpowering aftershave/perfume.

Be realistic:
Unreasonably high expectations will not do you any favours. Your goal is to have fun and get to know the other person better. Keep your feet firmly on the ground and you'll have a better chance of success.

Be yourself:
Focus on being you. If your date isn't given the opportunity to click with the real you, what's the point in going on?

Don't be too flashy:
Don't go overboard with a five-course meal at the best restaurant in town or by hiring a private plane — you might secure a second date under false pretences.

Take an interest:
People want to be with someone that makes them feel good. Don't let nerves distract you from showing interest in the conversation or laughing at jokes (if they're funny) or passing on a compliment. Avoid talking too much about yourself. Let her do most of the talking and listen.

Don't mention the ex:
NEVER discuss ex's. It's a first date, not a post mortem.

Patience is a virtue:
An unwelcome move can ruin the greatest of dates. Bide your time - don't rush, don't push and don't force. Let things happen naturally.

Let her pay:
Women don't expect you to pay for everything. If your date offers to buy a round, decline gracefully once. If she insists, give in and offer to get the next one. Acquiescing shows respect.

Calling etiquette:
Most men want to wait a week before calling after a first date. Most women want to be called the next day. Compromise. Make it three days.

And, when the relationship's underway, keep the flames of passion burning brightly with the help of Funtimz, Britain's Sexiest Online Lingerie, Clubwear and Adults Products Retailer.